today was the funeral. she didnt look natural at all. to much makeup. she looked artificial. not at all like her. im not saying that they shouldnt have put on any makeup, but it just wasnt her. during the service. i kept thinking that she would wake up and say that "hello" that she is so famously known for. she was so wise and intelligent and good-hearted. i cant believe she is gone. i though that after the funeral, it would finally click that she was never gonna come back, never gonna smile again, never open her eyes, never hug anyone, never talk, never gonna laugh, never walk in a room again. but it didnt. i still cant believe that she is gone.... forever. i get a picture in my head right before she had this last stroke. and then i think, no, this isnt real. itz all some horrible fucked up joke. but then i remember, no, its real. shes gone. and although i know where she is and that she isnt suffering anymore, its the letting go part that is so difficult. in her Bible, she left a note saying what she wanted to have for her funeral. she evem chose hymns, what flowers she wanted on her casket, what we were to do after the burial, everything. she even said what she wanted her casket to be like. "not to cheap, but not the best" and that, we all had to laugh at. the service was very nice. it was very family oriented. my cousin played the piano, and another cousin led the singing. im sure that she would have been very pleased with the service. the funeral was held at a funeral home 5 blocks from my house. the funeral home itself used to be a house. so there were several little rooms to the side where you could go and sit alone, which i was very thankful for since i was extremely emotional. i believe that it was a little harder on my brother and i than the other cousins, since we lived next door to her and saw her almost every day. i cried almost the entire time. at least 200 people came to pay their last respects. and there were so many floral arrangements. at least 25. fortunatley we were the only service in the funeral home, because there were so many people there. after the afternoon session, we all came back to my house for a lunch/dinner. then we went back for the later seesion and the service. several of my dad's co-workers and close friends came. there were also a lot of my uncles' co-workers and neighbors. there were also many people from church as well as people we havent seen in way to many years. i for one was very touched to see so many people come. and although this was a very solemn time, i still received many complments on how "beautiful and grown up" i have become and receieved several remarks about me pursuing a modeling carrer...... i believe that tomorrow will be even harder than today since the closing of the casket will take place tomorrow. that will be extremely emotional for all of us being that it will be the last time we ever see her body. we joked about how much we all cried and that each of us would have been able 2 fill up a niagra falls with all of our tears. "to be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord" i do believe that, but its just so hard 2 accept it. and its going to be so wierd at Christmas time and birthdays and family gatherings because instead of 2 people arriving, it will only be 1 single person bringing with him many joy filled memories of our past gatherings. everyone there said that they were extremely sorry about our loss and that she will never be forgotten. she always had something nice and inspirational to say. never discouraging. always behind our decisions. and whenever we accomplished something in school or elsewhere, she was always so proud. im going to miss our afternoon conversations and our game-filled evenings. its going to be so hard to play scrabble, being that that was the game we were playing when she had her first and third/final stroke. chinese food will also be hard to eat since that was what we had for dinner that evening. as my brother said "now, i have to find a new card player" but no one will ever be able to replace that wonderful and remarkable person. in our hearts and minds, she will always have a very special place. good-night grandma, i love you january 13, 1927-august 18, 2003 in loving memory of else joan harder, beloved wife, mother, grandmother, relative, and friend always loved, never forgotten

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well, this is my first entry. i doubt that i will update this often, but who knows. i suppose that i will use this sumtimes to release my inner turmoil or just write wuteva

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